Pixies, ‘Bird Dream Of The Olympus Mons’ (1991)
There are cool places on Mars like Olympus Mons, a 14-mile-high volcano the size of Arizona but, of course, we had to go to the Gale Crater yet another bit of the Red Planet that looks like Southport Beach when the tide’s out.
The Lotus Eaters, ‘The First Picture Of You’ (1983)
Do you know how you can tell we’ve actually landed probes on Mars? Because of how fucking boring the pictures that get sent back are. Films like Capricorn One would have you believe that they rope in some cunt like Zack Snyder to shoot this shit on Southport Beach, but as if he’d be able to resist the temptation to put some impressive looking cliffs in the background. Did you see the first picture that Curiosity sent back? It was like some clart had dropped their camera phone into some Campbell’s tomato soup.
Gary Numan, ‘Cars’ (1979)
The Curiosity Rover is not a car and is not designed to carry human passengers in comfort, which is why I like to imagine Jeremy Clarkson sitting astride it, about to berate it for its unsatisfactory 0-to-60 capabilities before getting rapidly frozen solid in the unforgiving -127 degrees Martian night time chill, and then having his brittle head snapped off by the camera arm with enough force to send it spinning off into the void, only to be picked up in deep space by aliens millennia later, who use it as a gormless, bug-eyed paperweight, unaware that it’s the last surviving trace of mankind.
NOMEANSNO, ‘Big Dick’ (1989)
You know, people say to me, “Sure, Zack Snyder’s adaptation of Watchmen was a major disappointment… but you have to let it go.” Well, fuck them — if I had the money, I’d sue him for the mental anguish caused to me when I watched it on an IMAX screen on opening night. I’ve since come to terms with the fact that he cut the space squid out of the climax, but every time anyone mentions Mars, no matter what the context, all I can see in my mind’s eye is a giant, electric blue-coloured dick the height of a two-storey house with a helmet the size of a Victorian diving bell. I mean, is that right?
David Bowie, ‘Life On Mars?’ (1973)
Famously, in 1967 David Bowie wrote the lyrics to ‘Even A Fool Learns To Love’ to the melody of the French song ‘Comme D’Habitude’, only to see it languish without release. The rights to the song were bought by Paul Anka who rewrote the song as ‘My Way’, which would become a standard made famous by Frank Sinatra. The success galled Bowie so much that he wrote ‘Life On Mars?’ in 1973 as a parody. When naming the track as his number one favourite song of all time, Daily Telegraph critic Neil McCormick noted sagely: “It’s got a lovely tune.” There may not be life on Mars at the moment, but if all first world countries clubbed together, I’m sure they could build a rocket to send Mr McCormick to the Red Planet as an emissary. Preferably with Professor Colin Pillinger of Beagle 2 fame doing the calculations.
Babylon Zoo, ‘Spaceman’ (1995)
We’re not going to find sentient life on Mars. If there were smart visitors to the solar system, where do you think they’d be? The Red Planet or Blue Water? On second thoughts…
